Suggestions for ex-Navy personel who miss "The Good Old Days'

1..     Sleep on the shelf in your closet.

2..     Replace the closet door with a curtain.

3..     Six hours after you go to sleep, have your wife whip open the curtain, shine a flashlight in your eyes, and mumble "Sorry wrong rack" or "Your watch!"

4..     Renovate your bathroom. Build a wall across the middle of your bathtub and move the shower head down to chest level.

5..     When you take showers, make sure you shut off the water while soaping.

6..     Everytime there is a thunderstorm, go sit in a wobbly rocking chair and rock as hard as you can until you're nauseous.

7..     Put lube oil in your humidifier instead of water and set it to "High".

8..     Don't watch TV, except movies in the middle of the night. Also, have your family vote on which movies to watch, then show a different one.

9..     (Mandatory for all ex-engineering types) Leave lawnmower running in your living room 2 hours a day for proper noise level.

10.     Have the paperboy give you a haircut.

11.     Once a week, blow compressed air up through your chimney, making sure the wind carries the soot across onto your neighbour's house. Laugh at him when he curses you.

12.     Buy a trash compactor and only use it once a week. Store up garbage in the other side of your bathtub.

13.     Wake up at midnight grab some stale bread and make toast, then eat it.

14.     Make up your family menu a week ahead of time without looking in your food cabinets or refrigerator.

15.     Set your alarm clock to go off at random times during the night. When it goes off, jump out of bed and get dressed as fast as you can, then run out into your backyard and break out the garden hose.

16.     Once a month, take every major appliance completely apart and then put it back together again.

17.     Use 18 scoops of coffee per pot and allow it to sit for 5 or 6 hours before drinking.

18.     Invite at least 85 people you don't really like to come and visit for a couple of months.

19.     Have a fluorescent lamp installed on the bottom of your coffee table and lie under it to read books.

20.     Raise the thresholds and lower the top sills of your front and back doors so that you either trip over the threshold or hit your head on the sill every time you pass through one of them.

21.     Lockwire the lugnuts on your car.

22.     When making cakes, prop up one side of the pan while baking. The spread icing really thick on one side to level off the top.

23.     Every so often, throw your cat into the swimming pool, shout. "Man Overboard, ship recovery!", run into the kitchen and sweep all the pots/pans/dishes off o0f the counter onto the floor, then yell at your wife for not having the place "Stowed for Sea."

24.     Put on the headphones from your stereo (don't plug them in). Go and stand in front of your stove. Say (to nobody in particular), "Stove manned and ready." Stand there for a least 3 or 4 hours. Say (again to no one in particulard) "Stove Secured". Roll up the headphones/cord and put them away.

For the Old O.O.W.

25.     Invite your grumpy old father to sit in the lounge chair, while you put on the stereo headphones, tie a brick around your neck, stand at the window, and report to your old man every passing motor vehicle.

For any Submariners

26.     Do all of above with the lights out (except a red torch with flat batteries), heating on full bore, no shower for a week and a blocked toilet for the past 22 hours - oh and invite 67 strangers to share your (now dark) lounge room.